


I Lied

by dashingswan



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5307518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dashingswan/pseuds/dashingswan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CS + we broke up months ago, but you’re in the hospital after getting seriously injured today and oh i am still your emergency contact (angstier then it sounds)</p><p>A/N: this escalated and there shall be a part 3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Her legs are folded beneath her as she relaxes in the cosiness of her couch. It’s a lazy and cold day, and Emma Swan is not a winter person. She’ll rather stay inside and call in sick then deal with the cold hell that is out there. Station can live one day without her. Hopefully. She loved her job but it often felt as if all depended on her, and she needed a break.

The pillow is soft against her cheek, a cup of tea warming her hands as her favourite blanket is wrapped around her. If heaven existed this would probably be it. As lonely as it is. (It doesn’t matter anymore, she’s used to it.) She was warm, watching Masterchef and people falling on the slippery concrete outside the window. Her cackling as loudly is probably mean, but she can’t really bring herself to care when it’s Friday evening and her biggest concern is the unwashed plate in the sink. Gordon Ramsay was in the middle of yelling that someone’s meal is undercooked, when her phone rings.

It can’t possibly be correct, but her phone blinked the one name she thought she’d never see again.  _Killian Jones_. First, she was absolutely convinced it was a joke. After what happened between them, the last thing he would do is call her. Especially after a year since they broke up. But she decided to pick up eventually. Curiosity was stronger then questions she asked herself.

“Hello?” 

“Emma Swan?” The voice on the other end was deep and dark, and it wasn’t Killian’s. They may not have spoken in a year, but she’d recognize the low and soothing tone, no matter the time or place. She remembers one night too many of him queitly murmuring loving words into her skin. He loved nicknaming her (my darling; my love; my Swan; my everything). Words always were his strong suit. Hers -  _not so much_. Except for that stormy night she broke up with him. She probably said a few words too many, and it still hurts her to remember it.  

“It’s me. Who’s this?” The curiosity turned into concern, and she already started dragging herself out of the bed as she waited for the response.

“Doctor Whale. Excuse me for calling so late, but something’s happened.” There was a pause in the sentence, and she felt as if everything around her paused for a second as well. Her mind immideatly jumped to the worst conclusion, so her breath was already hitching before she could even hear the rest of the story. “Mr. Jones has been in an accident.”

“What?! Is he alright? What happened?” Her breathing gets worse with each passing moment, and all she wishes is to hear the sound of his voice.

“He is, unfortunately, still unconscious and you are his emergency contact.” Her eyes shut slowly, and she exhales with relief at the realization that Killian is alive. “Are you available to get to the hospital now?”

///

She is. Her heels are clapping harsly against the floor and the bag in her hand swings violently as she enters the hospital. The awkward knot is tight in her stomach and she quickens her pace, slowing her breathing down as much as it was possible. It’s been a year since they saw each other. An entire year. Being nervous about seeing him again wasn’t even a feeling. It became a state an hour ago.

She continues walking until she bumps into a tall figure, with an already familiar voice “Miss Swan?” 

“Doctor Whale? Where is he?”

“This room.” He gestures down the hall, and Emma walks quickly, eager to make sure he truly is in one piece. “He woke a few minutes ago. Hasn’t said a word since.”

_Oh. He’s awake._

Once Whale finally stops walking and points through the glass, Emma’s eyes land on him. The dark haired, kind eyed, bruised as hell -  _Killian Jones_. He’s here. Right in front of her. The one person in her life that hasn’t left her, but she left him instead. Her legs tremble as she takes a step into the room. He’s staring at the wall when she walks in, almost as if he doesn’t register her presence. But he does. She knows by the clench of his jaw.

“Hey.” Her voice is weak, and she just wishes that he moves or says something as quickly as possible.

“Swan?”  _There it is_. That soothing tone she’s missed so badly. “The bloody hell are you doing here?” She’s glad he’s talking, but the lack of surprise and the amount of anger in his voice are too obvious.

“I uhm... I was called down here after you got into an accident.” She chuckles nervously, but somehow manages to continue. “Appearently, I’m still your emergency contact. What happened?” Killian stays cold and avoids her gaze. His eyes stay glued to the wall even when he answers her.

“Doesn’t matter, I am fine. You can leave now, Emma. No need to leave the basket either.” His tone suddenly turned from soft and soothing to deep and dark. She hated it. This is excatly how it was the night they broke up. It’s not the Killian she remembers. It’s not her Killian. Not anymore. She didn’t excpect it to be otherwise.

“Ok... If that’s what you want.” Emma starts walking away but just as she’s about to exit the door, she continues “But I thought that maybe... You would like the chocolate covered strawberries and a grande latte.” She turns around for a second, waiting for that one brief glimpse of Killian she misses but there’s nothing. 

Ready to leave, she turns around again, stomach already trembling when she hears him chuckle behind her. “Iced vanilla latte?” A smile is almost shining on her face as she walks back to him, handing him the paper bag.

“You always liked it when you were sick, so I thought it’d be a good idea to bring it.” She avoids his gaze too, especially since she’s standing so close to him, but she can feel his eyes on her. He probably rememberred all the times she stayed with him longer then needed in bed and brought him tea when he felt sick. Damn he could be dramatic, and her kisses were usually the best antibiotics. Or so he said. “So, what happened?”

“Car accident. I’m just glad I made it out alive with nothing but a minor concussion and a broken arm. Remember Boston?” He chuckled.

“How can I forget?” She chuckled as well, this time finally looking at him. “It wasn’t as laughable then though....” 

“Aye. There was so much ice on the road, Liam crashed Ruby’s car completely and she nearly murdered him for it. We in the backseat were the ones nearly killed, then left with broken limbs and stiff necks for the next few weeks.” 

Emma laughed at the memory. Those were some of the most hillarious weeks of her life. Considering they shared a bed, having four casts in one doesn’t make falling asleep very easy. Or making food. Or eating it. Adventures she’s had with Killian, Liam and Ruby and her girlfriend Belle are some of the best memories she will forever tresuare. It broke her heart to end them.

 “Where is Liam anyway? Why didn’t they call him?” The sudden change in his expression almost frightened her. “Killian, where’s Liam?” Killian didn’t answer. He just stared blankly and clenched his jaw. Almost as if he couldn’t force himself to speak. It took him too long to gather the courage

“I’m afraid he’s passed away, Swan.” He whispers. His voice changes too. It became monotonous and quiet. Unusual of him. How couldn’t it be so though? She felt as if she didn’t even have a voice when he finished the sentence. Her and Liam were close before. Even kept in touch after she broke up with Killian, but it didn’t last long. And now he’s dead, and that precious fantasy she secretly had, that one day things will be like old times, was gone. The possibility of the four of them doing stupid shit together, and laughing like idiots at 3am and stealing Ruby’s cake as she throws a pillow at Killian was forever lost. It won’t be like old times. Not again.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?! I get that you hate me, but he was my friend Killian! I deserved to know...” Her voice breaks mid sentence and her eyes fill with tears but she stops herself from crying. She is pissed off and this was no time to cry. 

“I don’t hate you, Swan. Just because you said you didn’t loved me, doesn’t mean I hate you. I could never no matter how hard I tried. And Lia-”

Killian was just about to finish his thought when the nurse walked in.

“Liam what?”

“Visit time is over I’m afraid. Mr. Jones needs to rest now.” Emma turned around, her head a mess and her vision blurry. She was dizzy, overwhelmed by too much information in a too short span of time she’s recieved. Her entire body quivers at the sudden hand landing on her shoulder. It was the nurse.

“Are you alright miss Swan?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine.” She was most definitely not fine.

“Alright then, well your boyfriend I’m guessing...” She couldn’t bother correcting her; she just wanted to get the conversation over with so she could go home. “He’s recovering better then excpected. Our estimate is in two days, he’ll be ready to leave. Will you be here to pick him up?”

“Listen, that is wonderful news, but we’re not together anymore. I don’t think he wants anything to do with me.” A tear rolls down her cheek and she wipes it off with a forced smile on her lips. “Maybe it’s best if you call someone else. Tell him I hope he feels better soon.”

“Miss S-” She is already gone before the nurse could finish her sentence.

///

 _Just because you said you didn't love me, doesn’t mean I hate you_. 

Oh boy did she lie. She left the hospital crying for more then one reason. First one was seeing Killian after so long. Second one, learning that Liam is fucking dead. The third one was hearing that sentence from Killian.

See, there’s a bit more to the story of their break up then just a claimed ‘ _I no longer love you._ ’. 

Saddest story of all in fact. At least in her life, which wasn’t excatly a picnic. They were in love. Head over heels kind of in love. She still can’t quite describe the way he made her feel while they were together. Something so unique that words don’t say. Her heart does. Every aspect of her happiness did. Now all vanished in a smoke of lies and what seemed like a good thing. Well, it was; at the cost of everything they dreamed of having in the future.

There was a man called Mr. Gold. He’s a lot of things, good to come across is definitely not one of them. But Emma works a dangerous job, and not every person she comes across is put away a few decades. Some of them leave sooner. Unfortunately, Gold’s one of them. He was one of those miserable people that got on her bad side, and it didn’t excatly end well. Pissing her off never resulted in good things anyway. But what made him different then others she’s dealt with was that he was the most resourceful human on earth. He was suppoused to go away for life due to a second degree murder of his ex wife; his lawyer made it a voluntary manslaughter and 12 years. Eventually, he got out in 6. Emma was the lead detective on the case. She personally promised she’ll make sure he pays for his deeds as she showed him out of the prison gates. His response to that was that one day he’ll be the one holding strings to her life and then he walked away.

It was the one case that stuck with her. Haunted her; but eventually she moved on. There was no point in looking for a ghost no one’s seen in over a year. She was sure he either died or fleed the country at least. So she built a life for herself that didn’t revolve around her job. She revived old friendships, she found the man of her dreams, got promoted to Captain... She was happy. For whole two years of her life, she was happy. The lost girl inside her found home in the hearts of people who loved her. People who would never leave her. But life took a different turn...

There’s this one evening Emma will never forget. Rain pouring through the clouds of fog as she walked home. Her heart racing like she’s consumed nothing but sugar for the past week. Her hands trembling at the contact with the chilling breeze suddenly thrusting upon the little town. Almost as if something posessed it. She couldn’t wait to get home to Killian. She hated storms and his arms were the quietest and most comfortable place in the world. Just as she was at the corner of their house, she was grabbed from behind and she found herself pinned against the wall, facing two eyes she never wanted to see again.

-

_“Gold?” Her breath started hitching violently._

_“Ah, I see. You haven’t forgotten about me. The woman who almost imprisoned me for life and promised I’ll pay for what I’ve done... But as it turns out, the situation took a different turn.”  
_

_“Alright, so try and kill me. Do your best.” She knew she could take him. He wasn’t excatly the youngest opponent she’s encountered with.  
_

_“Oh, I know you have a gun in your belt and I don’t plan on killing you, dearie. But I have a man inside your house, watching your boyfriend an-”  
_

_She pushed him away and he nearly fell, but she was fuming with rage and she didn’t give a crao about the people watching from their windows_

_“You let him go or I sw-”  
_

_“You’ll what?” She didn’t say so, but she would kill him. It would most likely cost her her badge, but she would do it in a heartbeat. “See, you can’t do anything without dragging yourself down with me. So, I’ll make you a deal...”_

_He took a step towards her and started “You break up with your boyfriend, and I leave him alone.”  
_

_“Why the hell would I do that?”_

_“Because otherwise I kill him.” Emma cocked her eyebrow and was ready to threaten him when he continued “Then, you shall step away from the friendships you’ve made. Or your friends die too.”  
_

_“Why are you doing this?”  
_

_“Because it is fun to hold the strings to someone’s life, isn’t it, detective? And I’m a man who keeps his promises.”  
_

_-_

It should be noted that Emma was paralyzed after he left that alley. He didn’t leave her much of a choice, so she sunk in her spot and sat there in the storm for a good half an hour. She didn’t cry, no. It wasn’t worth it. Gold is a sociopath and if this was the only way to keep the people she loves safe, she will do it. Even though the cost is her own happiness.

-

_She walks inside the house with a broken look on her face and she hears Killian whistling some 80′s rock in the kitchen. She chuckles and tries her best to keep her face serious._

_“My lady, you’re here! Want some hot chocolate with cinnammon?”  
_

_“I’d love to but... We need to talk.” Her stomach turns as she speaks those words. She can’t even stand hearing this, how could he?  
_

_“Is everything alright Swan? You seem vexed.”  
_

_She inhaled deeply, feeling as if she was about to pass out. Lying never was her thing, but she had no choice._

_“I think we should break up.”  
_

_“What? Where the bloody hell is that coming from?” He was angry. Confused mostly. She had to drift her gaze from his deep blue eyes to restrain herself from spilling everything.  
_

_“I know how it sounds, but I just think that we don’t work. Not anymore.”_

_Tears pooled in his eyes as he gathered the strength to respond “Swan, you texted me an hour ago telling me how much you love me and can’t wait to get home.”_

_“I lied. I don’t feel that way, ok? I don’t love you. I’m sorry.” She could swear she heard her own heart breaking as those words came out of her._

_He just stared for a good minute. He knew something was wrong, and he was on to her until she said she didn’t love him. Everything changed with that sentence. He mouthed a soft ‘wow’ before walking pass her furiously._

_Both him and his things were gone the next morning.  
_

-

Funny thing is, Gold was caught again merely two months after those events. Imprisoned for yet another murder, and Emma managed to reopen the investigation on his wife’s murder. He went away for life sentence this time. She could’ve explained everything to Killian but she didn’t.

Instead, she fell back into the cold depths of loneliness and stayed there. 


	2. I lied (too)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one's just a continuation of pain, with a bit more pain.

His head is still ringing for at least an hour after she leaves. The cause is not just the almost fracture of his jaw when he hit his head on the steering wheel. She was here. Actually here. Not wandering through his thoughts during all the countless nights he's spent alone; miserable; away from her.

He first pretended he didn't notice her unique curls and pink lips when she stood outside his room. With her hair a mess, face damp from the strom outside and her arms crossed in concern; she still looked like the angel he rememberred. Many memories rushed back in the form of chills down his spine when he felt her presence in the same room as him after 11 months of separation. Working far away for the Navy, wasn't nearly enough to make anything easier.

His first instinct would be to pull her in his arms and not let go for at least an hour if he wasn't still pissed as hell and unable to properly walk. But for a few brief seconds, all the tight knots in his chest and all the aching in his heart faded at the sight of her. He's missed her so much. A year may've passed, but his love for her still burnt with a mighty flame; eternal flame.

His grip lingers on the Starbucks cup longer then intended; until he flings it across the room to the trashcan and misses. _She rememberred his order_ , he thinks. She even rememberred the chocolate covered strawberries. He hates himself for it, but he can't not remember that one night on the docks they spent watching the waves. Her face illuminated by the pale moonlight as her hand slowly slipped into his. They watched numerous ships sail away, and every second of the time they spent there was eternally carved into his memory. They weren't even together before that night. Just knew each other through Ruby and Liam who were high school friends. Emma brought the strawberries and he brought the coffee; neither of them realized that time flows, and suddenly, it was almost dawn and they were still talking in the sea breeze. He followed her home, admiring how even sleep deprived she looked like an astounding princess arriving at her first ball; smile wide and radiating. His favourite memory of the night though, is the moment his arms clumsily slipped around her waist as she crashed her lips upon his without a glimpse of warning. She tasted

The rest is a long tale of two halves of a soul fully uniting and then tearing apart.

She left with the lack of Emma he knew - she left without getting an answer to her question. _Liam what?_

What indeed is a long story. And he wasn't so sure if he was happy he didn't answer her or mad because he didn't get the chance to. It would be a good enough of an excuse to see her again. What's funny enough is that her knowing about Liam's death was his intention for longer then she could excpect.

He reaches inside the bag, fingers scratching the bottom as he looked for more strawberries; he ends up cutting his finger on a paper. Groaning, he chuckles at the thought of Emma calling him overdramatic because the 'demonic tree spawn' hurt him. But the chuckle fades as he stares at the messy handwriting.

_I know I'm probably the last person you would like to see, but I've been told you got into an accident and that you're unconscious but stable so I'm just going to leave this here. I truly hope you get better soon, Killian._

_PS. The strawberries are from the candy shop around the corner. Granny said hi._

-         _Swan_

///

„Mr. Jones, are you certain you don't want us to call anyone to take you home?“

„Quite certain. Thank you for your concern.“ He smiles briefly before walking pass the doctor; limping. He was actually suppoused to leave tomorrow, but he was also _Killian,_ and lying around never was excatly his interest.

„You're clearly not fit for walking home, and it's not like you have a car. Can we at least call the Swan lady or whatever her name is?“ Whale asks, concern present in his voice.

Killian groans, turning around and internalizing the pain his ankle causes whenever he moves. „For the last bloody time, I will manage and I do not need you to do anything.“

Whale rolls his eyes, and most likely swearing as well as he just gives up.

„Thank you for everything you've done for me.“

Then he walks away. Whale sighs and goes the opposite direction.

He pulls out his phone before exiting the hospital; immideatly opening his conversation with Emma from last night after she left.

**11.23pm**

_-Liam died a few days ago in the Navy. I found out only two days ago and I didn't really think of telling you then. I wasn't going to later either. You honestly weren't a part of my thoughts lately. And I crashed my car on my way home from work because it was dark and slippery. Now you know._

He regreted the words as he typed them, but as far as possible to push her away is, the better.

**Swan, 10.35am**

_-I do, thanks._

She probably thinks he's an asshole, which is partially his intention. Better that then have her know just how desperately he wants to talk to her about everything that's happened since they parted. From the night they ended things to his car crash. He wanted to tell her everything. But what was the point in telling that to the person who's moved on and probably doesn't even care? Plus, it makes it easier to move on as well.

Outside is fucking freezing, and people around him start cackling when Killian becomes more then creative with his swearing at the realization. Pulling at the lapels of his jacket tighter, he starts walking and the clouds decide to thrust a blizzard upon him. It starts snowing harder then it did the entire month so far, and he can do nothing but continue muttering curses under his breath. So he walks, with a thin jacket around him, a cast on his arm and a limp in his walk on minus 8 celsius. _Wonderful_. He didn't even dare to ask himself if it could get any worse; given his luck, it damn well could.

But that's when he glances across the street, and through the shower of snowflakes, he notices a police car and a familiar silhouette next to it. _Emma_. Suddenly, he forgets about the cold and the struggle and just focuses on her for a moment. She's wearing her famous ' _it's fucking cold, do not ask me shit'_ outfit; a _very_ thick jacket, a dark blue hat covering half her face and, of course, her favourite scarf they picked together. Dark red with little pale gray dots; it suits her perfectly. She always loved nuzzling in it's softness.

He smiles at the memory of all the times he's pulled her into a kiss by grabbing that scarf; wishing nothing more then to be able to do that in this moment.

He wants to run up to her, to hug her and tell her he is sorry for the text. That he didn't mean any of it. To say that he misses her and that he never stopped. To kiss her senseless. To allow his fingers to get tangled in the wool as he pulls her closer. To taste the coffee she's drinking on her lips; he wishes to do so many things.

But he can't.

They're not together anymore. She's probably moved on anyway.

 (Those thoughts don't stop the suddenly quickened heartbeats and the obnoxious warmth from pooling in his stomach at the sight of her.)

///

Two days later and he still doesn't excatly remember how he got home that day. There was no hypothermia for a great wonder; nothing in fact. Just the numb feeling of hope slipping through his fingers and he didn't even bother trying to grasp it.  

But there was just something about the way she was standing by his bed, nervously murmuring all memories that lingered with him. (Obviously her too.) The way his heart started beating faster in her presence. The way her hand trembled when they almost touched as she passed him the bag. The way he gazed at her for one second too long. The way she was looking at him when she thought he ignored her. The way he was scared to speak because he lacked the words and he's just missed her so _so_ much. The way her breath hitched when he reminded her of the night it all fell apart.

Something that was so little, but big enough to make him realize the one thing he tried to press all this time – he's not ready to give up. As stupid as it is to latch onto whatever pieces left of them.

///

Emma sits alone in her living room; TV's on but she isn't really registering any of the words. Instead, she's staring at the text Killian sent her.

_...I didn't really think of telling you then. I wasn't going to later either. You honestly weren't a part of my thoughts lately._

It probably shouldn't hurt. Why would she even be considering that after everything that's happened he'd still _want_ to think about her. That didn't matter to her as much as him being alive did. The only thing that mattered actually. Her choice hurt, hurt both of them. But everyone she loves survived, even though they were ripped away to make it happen. Everyone but Liam...

She still remembers his deep laugh and kind face. The way he loved and took care of each and every one member of their little crew. He could be an ass though, but Killian and Ruby would usually take care of that. He was a good man, and Killian loved him more then words could describe. She can't even imagine what it's like for him to go through all of this.  

Ruby took the job offer in Los Angeles (job offer they were suppoused to take _together_ ) and she's built a quality life for herself. She couldnt've excpected anything less from someone as amazing as Ruby anyway. She's got a new girlfriend, M- _something_ ; her job is going better then planned and judging from her Instagram, she is truly happy. They rarely hear from each other though; mostly during holidays. Ruby never figured why Emma suddenly started cancelling their plans and avoiding their meetings; she wondered sure, but Emma was far too good at faking in the midst of those circumstances. It didn't take longer then two months for her to stop wondering and trying to figure it out.

Emma and Belle, Ruby's ex, weren't particularly close but it felt weird to not have her around either. The two broke up when they realized that keeping a long distance relationship sucked. She sees her, sometimes. She lives closer to her then the others do. Them bumping into each other is actually more awkward then it sounds.

Emma misses those days when everything was so simple. She had her friends, her boyfriend, happiness. After 25 years of her life, she found herself in a place she called home. She lost it after two. Now she is 28, living in the same secluded little house she's been living in for the past three years. Only difference being, now it shows how secluded and lonely it actually is. She didn't notice it when she had them around her. _Her family_.

That's excatly what made her realize that finally owning a house doesn't equate to having a home. Home is hearing the laugh of the people you love echoing in your head. Home is arriving late at night and getting kissed on the shoulder when you sneak into the bed. Home is having tears wiped from your face. Home is having open arms to run into. Home is watching movies late and yelling at the screen in union. Home is knowing you have those who care.

Home is everything she had. Everything she lost.

Now it doesn't feel much different then being tossed around foster homes, even though she stays in one place.

Her thoughts get interrupted when the doors ring, and she finds herself debating whether it's worth even opening. But she decided to anyway, taking her time as she walked. Gripping the doorknub tightly, she opens almost violently, still ready to fake a smile. Her lips part and stay so when she sees Killian on the other side.

„Look, if you're here to fight, I'm not in the mood. You hate me, you've moved on, I get it. Spare me a headache and go, ok?“ Her heart is thrumping and her voice is a mess, breaking one second, then being completely low and calm the next. „Just... Just go.“

He doesn't move. He just stares at her, his gaze kind enough

„I lied.“ He says. The look on his face is probably carving itself into her brain as she does nothing but stare at him.

Emma tries to keep her voice serious and deep.

„About what?“ She fails.

„Can I come inside?“ He asks, voice calm and serious. She hated that voice.

„Why?“ Arching her brows, she still debated what would be the best thing to do.

„Swan, please.“ He gives her _that_ look and it is enough of a reason for her to move and make enough space for him to enter. She closes the door and follows him into the living room.

„What is it?“ She spreads her arms, frustrated. „What did you lie about? If it's the you don't hate me thing, I figured out on my own that that was a lie.“

„It's not that.“

„Then what? What in the hell is it?“

„I lied when I said I never intended on telling you about Liam. I lied when I said I stopped thinking about you and I lied when I said I crashed my car getting home from work.“ He feels as if a huge weight's just got lifted from his chest, but also as if he opened a window to more potential pain that could come from this.

„That's a lot of lies.“ Her arms are crossed and she is avoiding his eyes when she answers „What actually happened then?“

He inhales deeply, avoiding her eyes too, as he tries to gather the courage to explain everything. „When I found out he died, I was a mess. I just got home from the Navy, and for two days I never even left the house.“ He paused, closing his eyes as he tried his best to remain calm.

„But then I realized that perhaps I didn't have to be alone. That there is someone out there who cares, or well _cared_ , for the both of us, once. You were that someone, Emma.“ She shakes her head, breath hitching again as he continues „I was on my way to you when I drove off the road.“

Tears pool in her eyes and she can feel temperature of her body rapidly changing. Killian remained calm, or so he seemed. He was always good at faking his true feelings in moments like these. That's when he takes a step closer and looks at her; his sole presence touching parts of her she left hidden.

„I thought of you then, just like I thought of you a million times since you broke up with me.“  Her heart is tearing to shreds when she hears his voice cracking, and she stays completely paralyzed when he continues.

„I love you, Emma Swan. I never stopped even though you have...“ He pauses, inhaling deeply and inspecting every inch of her face, looking for something to latch on to. One tiny glimmer of hope. He just sees pain. „I just needed you to know that.“ He glances at her briefly once more before turning around.

The words still echo.

 _I lied too_ , she thinks. But the difference is, he stays deprived of hearing her words.

///

Is it logical to do this? To even try? Is it truly worth it? After all the time that went by? After all the chances she let slip out of her grip? After being able to do it months ago? After choosing to stay away from him?

Probably not. But she still runs after him, nearly stumbling over the carpet in the hallway on her way to the door. „Killian wait!“

She speaks gently, and part of her immideatly regrets it. Being forced to leave him was bad enough, what happens if he doesn't believe her? She didn't want to know, actually. If it was a glimmer of home she was latching on, then she should continue so.

Killian turns around slowly, eyes obviously filled with tears as he stares at her. „What is it, Swan? Not here for a pity party if that's what you intend on throwing.“

She remains silent for a few moments, forcing her breathing to even out; she fails miserably. But he's here, he's here and all she can think about is that morning he left this place. His bags were so carelessly tossed into the trunk of his car, door slammed with a loud bang and he drove away so quickly she feared he'll get into a crash. It took all the strength she possesed to not go after him; to not tell him he still means everything to her and that she loves him. It broke her heart, but it kept him safe. That's all that mattered.

„I lied too.“ She finally says.

„The bloody hell are you talking about?“ He murmurs, gaze drifting to the ground and then back at her. That's when it looks at her like _that_ , again. Confused and a bit scared, it breaks her immideatly because it all sends her back to that night she said those words. _I don't love you. I'm sorry._

She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. Her body quivers and she tries her best to remain calm. She fails, again.

„I lied when I said I didn't love you.“ It took more strength to finally say it after all the time that's passed. She feels like the pressuare on her chest is slowly lifting, and she exhales deeply. Finally.

„Swan, I don't feel like playi-“

„Killian, listen!“ She interrupts, her breath hitching and skin burning. Cool breeze contrasting. „I'm not playing you. I'm telling you the truth. Do you want to know what happened that night or not?“

He stays quiet, still questioning her words in his mind but she encourages him with the familiar honesty in her voice. Something that was absent last time they had a long conversation, but he had been too blinded by the words spoken to notice. He hesitates before nodding and taking a stop closer, but the brief glance filled with hope ends his doubts and so he follows her. No matter the time or the place, he always follows her.

They enter the house and he stops walking the second they're standing again in the living room. He caresses her with an encouraging look, waiting for an answer. He is so tired. Tired of pretending he doesn't care. Tired of being angry and tired of all the alternatives to what could've been haunting him. There was no point in faking anything anymore.

„So?“ He starts.

„Do you remember my first big case? When the guy murd-“

„Gold. Aye, I remember. The sociopathic asshole who threatend you. How does he have anything to do with us?“ He asks, confused when she forcibly chuckles.

„Everything, actually...“ She inhales, facing him completely, everything exposed. Just like before. There was no lying this time. He could now see every muscle of her body shaking; every chill causing goosebumps on her skin; the way she nervously licks her lip; uneven lifting of her chest - everything. „Do you remember what he said to me? How one day, he'll be the one holding strings to my life?“

Killian nods, uncertain as to what he should say. All he could think about is that strangling Gold could be back on his to do list in a few seconds. Whatever that guy did, it couldnt've been good. And he'd be damned if Emma was hurt and he still walked free.

„Yeah, well he did just that.“ She states, her face suddenly turning bright red as she tries her best to stop the rage fuming within her. „I was walking home alone that day. Storm raging, me texting you; and just as I reached the alley to our house, I found myself pinned against a wall; his face, full of rage and bloodlust, mere milimetres away from mine.“

„I'm so sorry. I didn't kno-“ Rage fumed within him now too.

„I'm not done yet.“ She interrupts, taking an insecure step closer to him. Close enough so she can notice that his breathing is uneven.

 „He told me that if I don't part with the people I love, he will kill them.“ The clench of his jaw is still present; always is when he finds himself trapped between confusion and wonder „That included you.“

Her words send a chill down his spine without warning. His lips part in an attempt of speaking, but he can't. In that moment, all words are suddenly forgotten. He stares at her, long and intensely. Gaze touching the hidden parts of her that slowly surfaced, one by one. Honesty; longing; _love_ ;

Emma would do anything to protect him. Even if the means included tearing apart what was precious to both of them. She gave him a reason to walk away; let him think her love faded. (He will spend the rest of his life regretting the fact he believed her.) All the while, she was left with nothing but the aching in her heart and the pain in her chest. If he only knew...

„Emma, you could've said that a bloody year ago.“ He finally says, stepping closer as well. Now nothing but the thin gap of air parted them. „Love, we could've figured something out together.“

„It was too big of a risk, Killian.“ She exhales, eyes landing on the floor again. „You can be mad if you want to, but I'd do it again if I had to.“

„You would tear us apart again? Sacrifice your happiness again?“ He could never excpect anything less of her anyway. Emma was always the person who put the needs of others in front of her own. Even if it was on the expense of herself.

„Yes, I would.“ She looks up at him, nothing but sincerity present in her voice.

„Why, Swan? Why do that to yourself when we could've tricked Gold together? Made him believe we broke up until you found a way to arrest him?“

„Why? You're seriously asking me that?“ She looks offended; hell, she is. „Because I love you. Other way or not, I wasn't gonna risk losing you. Not like that. What would you do?“

His face lits up, but he stays mute. Her words gradually force the aching away; he still doesn't stop wondering what could've been. But she's right. He would do it too.

„So yes, I lied. But I am not going to wallow in pity, waiting for you to see that I never stopped loving you. Not even now.“ Tears appear in the corners of her eyes; she tries her best to keep her voice calm. „Everything I've done, I've done for you. I destroyed us, so you could have a future. And I succeded. You're alive and that's all that matters. If you can't understand why I did that, I'm sorry. But I'm not going to blame myself for the way I kept you safe.“

She inhales deeply, wiping the dampness from her cheek as quickly as she could. For an entire year, she stayed silent. No one to tell her story to; no one to understand her. And now it's all pouring out of her and she can't help but feel fragile and exposed. Something buried so deeply finally got dug out, and she is shaking. Confusion, fear, love; all mixed together and it angeres her that she can't read anything from his face. Perhaps it has been too long, and her ability to do that faded. 

„What's it gonna be Killian?“

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be a part 3 of course, which will as well be the last chapter of the fic  
> thank you so much for being the kindest muffins ever with your words, it means a lot to me


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok, so here's the final chapter. sorry for the wait, i do hope you enjoy and that i did it justice it deserved. 
> 
> HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

He never expected that standing in the same room with her would be as painful. To look at the same face that turned away from him. The same lips who spoke words that broke him. The same green eyes who lied as they pushed him away. It hurt more then he wanted to admit to himself. Worst of all, he realized the thing he tried his best to deny – he was still standing on the same spot, one year later. Quite litterally too.

He still loves her with his entire being. He still craves even the slightest touch, slightest contact with her body. He is still desparate to see a smile on her face. He still breathes for her arms around his neck and her chuckle against his skin. He still relaxes in the sound of her voice. He still wants her. He never stopped.

„Swan, I need to know one thing.“ Inhaling deeply, he restrained his from breaking. „Did you ever think of me? Didn't you think I deserved to know the truth? Couldn't you have told me about everything after you caught him?“

„It's not that simple, Killian.“ She rubs her forhead, just like every time she finds herself in situations that require her talking about how she feels. Emma hates talking. Especially about how she feels. She's always considered that doing said better then talking. But what she did this time was something not so easily undoable by actions. It required words, and Killian deserved an explanation.

„Actually, Emma, it is. You told me you didn't love me and then you walked away.“ She closed her eyes after that sentence. „Now you're telling me you lied to protect me, which I believe and am eternally grateful for. Yet somehow, it still feels as if more harm's been inflicted this way then it would've if we stayed together.“

Every cell in his body wants to stop talking too. But there are too many things existing that were left unsaid to do so.

„You could've come to me after it all ended. I'd understand. Why didn't you?“ He asked, voice softening and eyes shutting.

_I'd understand._

What broke her the most was the fact that, deep down, she was aware of that all along. But there was also this thing, deeper down, that held her captive in a sea of her own ideas of what could be. She couldn't help but wonder that this, like all else in her life, would turn into something no one could understand. But he did. He does. He always would.

„I was terrified, okay? I was terrified you wouldn't understand. And I was terrified you wouldn't want me back.“ Words poured from her; a powerful stream causing an enitre spectrum of emotions she couldn't stop from filling her. _Regret._

„I couldn't blame you for it either. But living in a world where you hate me was, and will always be, a thousand times a better option then living in a world where you don't exist.“ _Honesty._

Despite her best efforts not to, sobs managed to find a way to tear through her words. Tears roll quickly down her face but she doesn't bother wiping them away this time. Instead she stands still, just like that - all truth finally out, heart thumping violently as a strange sense of relief suddenly overwhelms her body. _Serenity._

She examines his face, and all there is to be read is confusion, along with a stain of smudged handwriting that wrote 'it's okay, darling. I undestand.' When her lips form a gentle curve, she realizes she's missed him too much to find the strength in her to continue the arguing. She misses the stupid smile on his face. The effortless comfort he embraces her in. The blue eyes not looking drowsy and exhausted. The sparks his touch injects into her system. _Longing._

There is a hesitance in his walk, and her tears don't make anything easier to see, but he's definitely walking up to her. His hand reaches out, caressing her arm gently, and her entire body quivers at the sensation. He moves slowly, but when he finds himself standing in front of her, mere inches from her face - she gets lost. _Intimacy._

His touch always felt as if it belonged on her skin. Now, she was certain of it. Her body didn't seem as cold until it came into contact with his. So when his calloused fingers slowly wrapped around her wrist, it sent a warm wave through her body. She was cold before he touched her, and she realized how cold she actually was since they parted. But now he's here, and she's warm again, lost in the wonders of a caress that mattered more then anything else. _Love._

„I'm sorry.“ She whispers, sucking in a breath and quickly exhaling. „I couldn't lose you. I don't want t-“

All of a sudden, Emma finds herself in his warm embrace. His hands carefully tracing a thin line down her spine and she's not excatly sure how to respond. His touch is tender but she still finds it hard to relax in, considering he hasn't said a word for far too long. She shievers against him, hand hesitating to press against his back. But once he grips her tighter, leaning his head on hers and softly whispers

„I forgive you“, she lets go.

Her arms wrap tightly around his back and she clings to his shirt, head resting on his chest. Killian holds her like that, sketching delicate shapes on her back with his fingers and continues bracing her tighter. Her nails scrape down his body, lightly enough so it wouldn't leave a mark, and soon, she relaxes. She breathes normally again and her body doesn't feel as tense. She feels free to continue crying, and a few tears slip down her face. But they're unnecessary once he murmurs words of reassurement into her hair.

She's missed spending time in his arms this way. To rest against his touch and find peace she craves within his embrace. They were always good at doing that for each other.

Her nose presses against his shoulder and she closes her eyes with a chuckle escaping her lips. His hand soon finds its way to her hair, running fingers through it, and then places it flat against the back of her head. She nuzzles against his chest and he traces both of his hands to the curve of her jaw. Moving her head gently from his body, he brings his lips to her forhead, pressing a feather light kiss on the pale skin. His lips linger longer then intended, but neither of them complain over it. Emma smiles and her fingers find a way to his cheeks. Their eyes meet and the moment feels a bit too precious to allow it to end as quickly. So she just gazes at him and the slight smile on his face, reluctant to break the spell they found themselves under.

No matter how unfortunate their love is, they always find a way back to each other. Their love is also their curse, and the inability to lose one other broke them apart, depriving them of every dream they had about future. But sometimes, when things break, they also mend. Each experience speaks a tale of which road should be avoided so you don't end up with the same broken limb next time.

Once she gathers the courage and raises on her tiptoes, their lips meet. The kiss is gentle and lazy, lips clashing in a slow pace. His arm traces back to around her waist and he pulls her closer, Emma slightly moans in return. He removes his lips from hers, pressing a soft line of kisses along her jaw and neck before kissing back up and stopping just when he reached her mouth. Her lips stay parted and her eyes closed, but once she opens them, a tender smile on his face awaits her.

He slightly grips her hand, walking them over to the couch. Gingerly, she walks behind him, never letting go of his hand. They sit down, staring at each other and Emma'd be lying if she said she wasn't nervous about what he might say. But the look in his eyes ripped the fear away. Just like before.

„I missed you so much, Swan. More then words could tell. Please, -„ the sincerity and softness in his voice calms her „don't do that again. Ever.“

„I won't.“ She shakes her head, words unhesitantly leaving her lips. „I promise, trust me.“

„Good,“ He speaks, before pulling her to his chest once again and sighing fulfilled „I'm exhausted of being away from you.“

„I am too.“

She smiles against his body, arms wrapped around his stomach. He brings his lips to the top of her head, kissing over and over again until he feels her entirely calm under his touch. He can feel her heart beating against his body. Too many times he's tried to remember the feeling and the sound. She felt content, and he knew that by the calm thumping that he wanted carved eternally into his memory.

„I'm exhausted of being deprived of seeing your beautiful face and your smile. Of your touch. Your voice. Your adorable chuckling. I missed you _so_ much.“ Her body stiffens at his words, so he kisses her again. It takes her a while to come up with a response. Words never were her thing.

„If it makes you feel any better, I didn't smile much during the past few months.“ She chuckles, and so does he. Cracking a joke always did the trick once words weren't easy to come by.

„It doesn't.“ He adds.

„What I meant to say was, I missed you too. So much.“

„I know.“ He says, exhaling.

That's when he grabs her by the waist, pulling her down to lay next to him on the couch. A chuckle escaped her lips, and his arms immideatly wrapped around her. He lowered his head, tenderly kissing her neck and pulling her closer. They rested in silence, his arm wrapped around her when she asked

„Do you think we'll be able to get back to where we were?“

„Immideatly? No.“ She responded with silence. „But, doesn't mean I'm not willing to give it a shot. I love you and I want to be with you. The only thing that could stop me from fighting for our future is if you didn't want one with me. Do you?“

„Of course I do.“ She replied, unhesitantely. „Killian, I don't want to imagine my future without you in it. I never did. But what I did was to protect yours, even if it mean that we won't get one.“

„I know, Swan. I understand. I'd probably do the same.“ His words surprise her, and she turns around to face him. That famous glimpse of certainty is clearly present in his eyes. He smiles at her and it's enough for her to know that he means it.

He pulls her closer to him, reaching for a blanket that rested above his head and he cover them. Emma's breathing is warm and calm on his neck, and the moment is to be tresuared for as long as possible.

„Don't let me go.“ She says, words sounding more as a whisper rather then a sentence.

„Never.“ He replies.

///

Her breathing is erratic, chest lifting and lowering in a violent pace as moans escape her lips. The room is echoing with her groans and the muffled curse words she yells over and over again. She grasps at the sheets, finally screaming out.

„You promised you won't do this. I'm late for work again.“

She desperately tried to calm her breathing, but then she felt Killian chuckling against her skin, right before gently emerging from underneath the sheets, leaving a wet trail of kisses up her stomach and over her breasts. His smile sparkles and she can't help herself but chuckle.

„What can I say Swan?“ he asks, kissing her tenderly „I lied.“

 


End file.
